He barely passed and was going to go to community college. This fall, he flunked all 4 of his classes, trashed the car we gave him to commute in. We found marijuana and bongs in the car in December, and took everything away. He has anger management issues and tried to beat up his 16 year old brother on Christmas Eve.
He was arrested for domestic assault and had to go to court. The judge advocate said to keep your nose clean, don't smoke pot and see a therapist and we won't charge you.
Well, since then, I caught him vaping in the house which is against the rules and he swore at me. He's been out for 4 weeks and needs to go to court tomorrow. He blew off the therapist and blames us for "throwing him out. My wife texted him to remind him about the date. I called him and he answered and said if you don't reply back to Mom, why should I pay for a phone bill? He hung up on me after telling me "You threw me out. Making him be an adult is the best thing we can do. We know it's the right thing.
My problem is I want things to change, but know we're in for the long haul. I don't feel guilt. I just ask myself, "why is he like this? Estrangement is awful, but sometimes necessary. I have 3 kids. A very, very, smart kid, who would not apply himself. He made it into a 4 year university, but didn't finish in 4 years. That was the amount of schooling that we offered to pay for.
We paid for tuition, room and board for those 4 years, but he had to have a job for spending money. So when the 4 years were up, he was left to his own decisions and money as to what to do next. As a result, after college, he faced the reality of supporting himself. After a few years of working entry level jobs, he's considering going back to trade school.
He will have to find the money to do it, but at least, at 25, he's realized the benefit of an education. We continue to give him encouragement and advice, but he's on his own now. All I can say is that setting limits, and standing by them, does work. But it's painful. Will he be as financially successful as his siblings? I don't know. In the end, the school of hard knocks may be a better teacher than all his university courses. We'll see. But he's happier, and has a better sense of self worth succeeding at the job he got for himself than all the advantages that we tried to push on him to fit our version of success.
And our relationship with him is better than it has been for years. Responses to questions posted on EmpoweringParents. We cannot diagnose disorders or offer recommendations on which treatment plan is best for your family.
Please seek the support of local resources as needed. If you need immediate assistance, or if you and your family are in crisis, please contact a qualified mental health provider in your area, or contact your statewide crisis hotline.
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We're just about finished! Comments 7 You must log in to leave a comment. A mom. Treat them like adults. Always a mom. Related Content. Like What You're Reading? Email address. We will not share your information with anyone. Thirdly, these parent-coaches take every opportunity to cheer madly from the sidelines. It's far easier to take over. But coaching leads to happier, better adjusted teens who are more prepared for adulthood.
Kirrilie Smout is a clinical psychologist who specialises in working with children and teenagers. We acknowledge Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples as the First Australians and Traditional Custodians of the lands where we live, learn, and work. Research psychologists sometimes call this "self-determination". Why teenagers make bad decisions: A parents' guide. Teenage brains are under siege but there are three ways parents can connect. My son's school journey is at an end.
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The world's biggest meat processor says Huon Aquaculture is the start of its foray into seafood. But also be prepared for the pleasant surprises when your teenager not only meets but exceeds your expectations. For many young people the only thing holding them back is the lack of expectation from others. When parents express confidence, trust, and respect towards their teenage kids through high expectations the impacts are often amazing. Boundaries are a really good way of expressing expectations.
A boundary clearly defines what is expected and what the consequences of not meeting those expectations are. As you increase your expectations it is logical you will need to expand the boundaries of your teenagers freedom and independence. Increased boundaries are vital for teenager developing the capacity to be self managing adults. Teenagers always want more sooner, while parents usually err on the side of caution and risk aversion.
The answer often lies in the middle. While not having any boundaries for teenagers is a dangerous and unhelpful practice, overly restrictive or limiting boundaries can impede teens developing the skills and maturity required to take on the responsibilities of adulthood. As you wrestle with extending boundaries in a way that provides a solid launch sequence for your teenager here are four helpful things to consider about adjusting boundaries.
Some parents are scared to increase their teenagers freedom or autonomy thinking that once they make the call to do so there is no going back. Fearing they will make the call to early and their teenager will have to live with freedom they are not ready to manage, parents delay giving their teenagers increased responsibility and trust. Boundaries are not permanent. They can be changed.
They can be expanded but they can also be reduced. While specific boundaries need to be clear and well defined, overall the setting and nature of boundaries change as your teen changes. But they are not restricted to only increasing, they can be decreased if required.
As your teenager grows and matures you extend boundaries accordingly. However, if a boundary extension turns out to be too much too soon you can always back up a little without causing too much grief. As discussed later, sometimes there are great learning opportunities to winding back a boundary for a short while when it is done well.
Boundaries are temporary and ca always be changed. It makes sense to give more freedom in some areas than in others at different times. When giving your teens more responsibility and freedom, start with the lower risk boundaries where the consequences of failure are less significant. For instance giving your teenager the freedom to decide when they do their homework is a lot more low risk than when and who you let them drive with in a car. Roll out the increased autonomy and associated trust levels gradually.
As your teen demonstrates their increasing maturity in the smaller things expand the boundaries in the more significant areas of life. By picking lower risk boundaries first, you enable some teachable moments to occur without serious damage being done. Allowing your teen autonomy in how they manage their out of school time and balancing social life with homework is a relatively safe yet significant boundary to expand as they get into the middle teen years.
If they make a mess of it in any given week the consequences are unlikely to be permanently damaging or harmful, but there will still be valuable and powerful learning opportunities that come from it. As teens get older and start experiencing more of the adult world it is important to accept that the likely failures will occur.
However if these are one off events, and as surprising as they are disappointing to both you and your teen, then try focusing more on the learning opportunities than being outraged and brokenhearted. Have calm conversations the next day about how your teen feels about what happened and what they will do differently in the future.
If you have been modelling similar processes in the early teen years the disappointing and riskier failures should be minimal. One of the most overlooked parenting techniques to empower teens to take on responsibility is parent initiated boundary changes.
Most kids get additional freedoms when they initiate the conversation. However, when parents offer additional freedom and responsibility to their teenager before he or she asks, it has a powerful motivating effect. By offering your teen a proposal with an explanation as to why, your teenager feels a sense of validation and empowerment. Teens are so much more likely to honour the new arrangement because of the affirmative power of the gesture than they are when they have to drag every new freedom out of you.
So if you are a parent who is not sure when to let your teenager take on certain responsibilities or freedoms, step back for a minute and consider what your launch sequence is for them. Consider the following questions:. With these things in mind plot out the possible path for the immediate future. Then take action on the next most important thing for your teenager.
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